Boyfriendus perfectus americanus (a.k.a. Zach)

Let us journey into the wilds of suburban Los Angeles, where amidst the warm glow of ring lights and protein shakes, we find one of the most fascinating and elusive creatures of the modern age…

Boyfriendus perfectus americanus

This majestic specimen—known colloquially as “The Perfect American Boyfriend”—is a marvel of evolutionary fine-tuning. With his chiseled jawline, carved seemingly from Mount Rushmore itself, and cheekbones sharp enough to slice through emotional repression, B. perfectus is a visual apex predator. His full, pillowy lips, often glistening from the latest Fenty gloss or post-spinach smoothie, are used not only for attraction, but for delivering affirmations, apologies, and well-placed TikTok thirst traps.

His torso, smooth and gleaming like a dolphin that’s been exfoliated with Dior, features a toned chest—not too bulky, but defined enough to imply that he respects leg day and his partner. His skin, a gradient of golden hues, remains mysteriously poreless—scientists believe it’s a blend of genetic luck and La Mer.

But it is not merely the physical form that ensures his reproductive success. No, it is his elaborate digital mating display that secures his place in the dating hierarchy.

Observe now, as B. perfectus performs a ritual dance on TikTok. His movements—slow-motion lip-syncs to Harry Styles, thirst-trap angles paired with puppy filters, and deeply intentional eye contact—are meticulously choreographed to ignite engagement in potential partners.

Truly, a creature of beauty… We must protect him. Or at least, follow him.