Lately CivitAI has been hard to use, something major is broken every week, and for large stretches of time even the onsite generator or image rating/posting is down. This is yet another week I'm worried my article will publish and then give 404's and nobody will come back and see it after civit bugs kill the launch. A lot of people, including my amazing friend @drei2763878, are moving on to other things, and it makes me sad, but I really get it. Life is too short to work yourself ragged posting on a site that's broken half the time anymore.
@drei2763878 is doing a wanderlust themed farewell bounty to distribute her remaining buzz, I hope a few of you will check it out. This song and image of myself are my (first?) entry. But definitely my "main" entry. This song isn't a romance about a person, but rather longing to be loved, torn between a need for the closeness of warm living companionship and the distant, aching call of a magical, cold infinity beyond the horizon. The desire to belong somewhere... and also to be free from all bonds. A duality that consumes my heart, unable to be equally reconciled.
"I'm torn between two desperate needs, and tear my fragile heart apart."
The symbolism the song is built around is that the shadows cast on the snow by the branches look like cracks in a mirror, and remind the singer of her own broken feelings. For me, wanderlust is most the desire to be completely free to leave... and being too attached to where you are and afraid to let go of what you have to reach for it. If there's a metaphor for my own feelings on the state of CivitAI and life in general there, I'll leave it to you to imagine.
Lyrics:
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"White moonlight through the blackened branches
shadows falling sharp as shattered dreams
Broken glass on fields of icy crystal
scattered on a bed of frozen gleam
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Every breath becomes a ghost now
hanging in the frozen air
Everything is softly glowing
but there's no love here to share
-
This forest feels like home to me
Yet home has never been so far away
-
Why am I alone in all this beauty?
Why doesn't the night answer back?
I hold myself to fake the warmth my trembling body lacks
-
My flesh is aching for a fire
My soul for stars above the dark
I'm torn between two desperate needs that pull my fragile heart apart
-
I'm broken like the moonlit snow...
scarred by the shadows in my heart
-
Midnight trees stand tall like questions
carved in ink against the sky
Every branch a silent whisper
asking me the reason why
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Am I the only one who feels this?
A yearning sharper than the cold
Reaching for a hand beside me
finding only air to hold
-
I wrap my arms around myself
pretend that someone's there
-
Why am I alone in all this beauty?
Why doesn't the night answer back?
I hold myself to fake the warmth my trembling body lacks
-
My flesh is aching for a fire
my soul for stars above the dark
I'm torn between two desperate needs that rip my fragile heart apart
-
I'm broken like the moonlit snow...
scarred by the shadows in my heart
-
One need burns underneath my skin
one need rises to the sky
One is human,
one is cosmic,
and both refuse to be denied
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Trapped between the earth and heaven
frozen where the two collide
Every fractured piece of longing cuts me deeper from inside
-
Why am I alone in all this beauty?
Why doesn't the night answer back?
I hold myself to fake the warmth my trembling body lacks
-
My flesh is aching for a fire
my soul for stars above the dark
I'm torn between two desperate needs and tear my fragile heart apart
-
I'm broken like the moonlit snow...
scarred by the shadows in my heart
-
White moonlight through black branches
crystal snow beneath my feet
If this forest is an empty home,
am I the one who's incomplete..?"
I'm still working on updating my lora of Freija, and while I'm definitely amazed by how much better it is now, I'm still finding and removing minor bugs as well, so it's ongoing. That's my main focus right now, until it's ready I won't be getting much else done, but I'm excited to try new things once that's finished and I can be proud of it. Poor Foxy hasn't been featured in the videos recently... I'll make sure she gets one of these songs soon! Thank you all for stopping by, and I hope this song made you smile, or feel something yourself, besides thinking "that's a little EMO..." LOL.