TOP SECRET DOSSIER
Operation: Mama Bear

Agent “Mother”—legend of the shadows, knitter of chaos, and wielder of a lethal ladle—was deployed on a high-risk solo mission: infiltrate a top-secret Soviet nuclear submarine base tucked beneath the frozen whiskers of Novaya Zemlya. Her objective? Disable the sub, vanish like steam from a samovar, and be home in time for Tuesday's bake sale.

But alas, Mother’s cover was blown—possibly due to an ill-timed sneezing fit triggered by Siberian reindeer dander. The Soviet counterintelligence unit, known as the “Nyet Squad,” apprehended her before she could detonate the sabotaged borscht shipment in the submarine’s galley.

She now languishes in a maximum-security gulag outside Irkutsk, where the winters are colder than a KGB agent’s smile. Rumor has it the guards can be bribed—with buzz. No, not cash. Not gold. Buzz.